How do I relate with others?

 Can I love as Jesus did?

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Mt 25:40) I am inspired by these words that we find in the Gospel according to Saint Matthew, which reminds us that at the end of our lives we will be judged by how much we loved. This love is not an ideology but a true expression in action.

 

Many times, we get carried away and simplify things and justify our opinions on simplistic views that are not based on lived experiences or our assimilation of them. This can be seen when we ignore looking at situations and listening to the people who share with us. We tend to become arrogant and cling to what we think, which is sometimes no more than a partial view that we possess. Daniel Goleman in his two works on emotional and social intelligence helps us understand that life really is not as simple as we would like it to be and therefore in many ways he helps us understand the complexity of the relationships both which one has with oneself and with others and that in many ways that the two are strongly connected.

 

As he explains the connection between the emotional and social aspects of our lives, he points to the fact that things aren't exactly as simple as we'd like them to be. He focuses on the need to be aware of our emotions and how they influence our social life. Our intelligence, he points out, is not the most significant aspect of our life, but at the same time he says that one cannot do without it while looking at the success one has achieved. Our emotional awareness will help us in our social life and to excel in this aspect of our growth. Each of us can become mature people and we need to. Both the inter-personal and intra-personal relationships needs to be taken care of. Just focusing on the intellectual aspect or just the IQ can be of no real use if we wish to grow as human persons in relation with others.

 

Having understood the importance of emotions and our social life, we must go on to understand how this is actualized. Basically, we see three different ways of how we can relate to people, viz. I-It, I-Thou and the Other. In an I-It relationship, the other person is always seen as an object, so we could say that the relationship is basically utilitarian in nature. Hence the person in relation is not really seen as a person but as an object for use. Another path is given to us by Buber and Marcel, who talk about the I-Thou relationship that requires us to insert our entire being when we relate to the other person, so that the other is no longer seen as an object but as a person, as one who deserves my attention and concern. They go on to say that in an I-Thou relationship there is a foretaste of our relationship with the Absolute Thou, which is God. However, we see Levinas taking this philosophy to another level altogether. Therefore, according to Levinas, not only must the other be treated as a person, but one's own ego must also be kept intact. One can never know the Other. The Other is one's ethical responsibility and therefore requires an even greater relationship. One question that always comes to my mind here is: Can I really treat everyone as a ‘thou’ and not as ‘it’? Probably the answer I would say is ‘no’. The fact is that many a times we relate to people due to a certain need but we have to keep in mind that we must not limit our relationship to just needs.

 

Thus, looking at the consequences of these relationships, we cannot ignore some dangers, such as being narcissistic, machiavellian or psychopathic. Eventually everyone can open up in this way, so we are called to ongoing conversion. I am sure that none of us wishes in the sacred space of our consciousness to want to become one of these and thus we need to always be alert on how we relate with others. A good time to do this would be with our daily examination of conscience.

 

Finally, I would like to end with pointing out to a greater danger that we can find ourselves in. It is true that we can be egoistic and selfish but we can also be this in a group set-up. This can be seen when people of a certain type of mentality, group, nation or race go against the other. The question we all need to ask ourselves is: Do I see myself as a child of God and every human person I encounter as my brother or sister. Am I capable of making this shift which the gospel calls me to? Thus, Am I capable of loving myself and the people that God has put in my life? Can I move beyond being just a social person to a person capable of true love as Jesus taught us?